31 weeks today - only 5 more on bed rest!

Today baby Cortopassi is 31 weeks baked, which means I only have 5 more weeks on bed rest, yay! I am very excited to be able to get off bed rest in a little over a month, but that also means that I don't have much time before baby gets here and that freaks me out! Because of bed rest I have been unable to get anything ready for baby - his room is still full of boxes from when we moved into our apartment. It seems like there is still so much to do to prepare for his arrival and I can't do any of it for 5 more weeks, so the last few days have been full of "freak out" moments (especially since he's been consistently measuring 2 weeks ahead of schedule). I guess we will just have to wait and see what happens and hope that I have at least a week or two after I get off bed rest to set up for him.

On another note, my attitude towards bed rest has definitely been better lately. It still does get hard at times - like when I want to be able to run to the market for something small and then realize I can't - but, in general, it's been better. I've been encouraged a lot lately while reading the book of Acts and studying the Apostle Paul. I've been thinking about how influential he was for the gospel even when he was locked up in prison for his faith. He was confined (and in far worse circumstances than I am) and yet he was still fully focused on the gospel and ministering to fellow believers. He never looked at being confined in prison as a hindrance to what God had called him to, but rather as another opportunity to serve God in different circumstances.

It's hard sometimes to see how I can serve God while on bed rest, but I think that's because I equate serving to something that requires physical action/activity. I've been learning, though, that there are many different ways to serve God and not all of them require being out and about. I can be praying for different people, encouraging them with words/notes (which I still really need to grow in), studying God's word more deeply, being an example to others in my attitude while in a difficult time and even studying/preparing for my upcoming new ministry of being a mom.

Although I still have a long way to grow in my attitude towards this trial of bed rest, I'm so thankful for what God is showing me and that He is my strength during this time and that His grace is sufficient.

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
-2 Corinthians 12:9

Focus on Jesus

This week has been much better on bed rest since coming to the realization of what I posted last week. Although it does get hard to be locked up in the house and not be outside in the beautiful weather, dealing with the emotions of it all has been much easier. When I have been tempted to become upset about not being able to do something, I have been able to remind myself of the gospel and who I am in Christ instead of who I am in my own abilities.

Just the other night I found myself starting to get upset about something that I really wanted to be able to do - something that was important to me. Normally I would have very easily let myself become depressed and dwell on how worthless I felt at that moment, but instead I was able to offer up a quick prayer: “Lord, please help me to remember You and the cross. Help me to remember my worth is in You and not myself and my abilities. Please help me to focus on the fact that I have been saved by You and that is what really matters.” What an awesome moment! God does hear us when we cry out to Him and look to Him as our strength instead of ourselves.

I've also been really encouraged by Ephesians 1:3-14 -

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth. In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory. In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of his glory.”

God chose me and blessed me with every spiritual blessing – I don't need anything else. He saved me and His grace is abundant and amazing. He didn't choose me because of anything I did - He chose me for His purposes and His glory, and He is worthy of all praise!

Worthy?

Bed rest definitely has its ups and downs. I find it easy to become depressed and upset with my situation. A lot of it (if not all of it) comes from my inability to do all the things I consider important. I feel useless, purposeless, and worthless at times. After all, what is someone worth when all they can do is sit on a couch confined to their own house?

With so much time on my hands I find myself tempted to search for my worth in my looks sometimes: "If I just fix my hair a little and put some makeup on, then I'll feel better about myself and my situation." And then I realize what a pointless and hollow pursuit that is (not to mention the fact that I am alone in my house all day so no matter how much effort I put into seeking out beauty I'm the only one who sees it - yes, I am a smart one).

Other times I search for it in my actions, whether it be in doing something around the house or something for my husband: "If only I was allowed to do this small thing, then I'd feel more important and better about my situation and all would be well."

Whatever it be that I search for worth in, I've noticed it's always about me and what I'm capable of doing. My looks make me worth something, my abilities make me important, it's me that gives me worth. Wrong!

My life's worth is not in me, because I am so unworthy. I am a person who was made out of the dust of the earth by God. I am a body whose beauty is fleeting. I am a sinner who chose to rebel against God, to shake my fist at His perfection and spit on His goodness.

I am not worthy, but Jesus Christ is and He called me to Himself. He pulled me out of the murky pit of sinfulness and washed me clean. He redeemed me for His purposes and His glory, because He is worthy – not me.

I will never find my worth in my self – not in my looks, not in my ministry, not in my job as a homemaker or wife. I need to see myself in the light of the gospel as the wretched sinner I am, and then look upon Jesus as the merciful, wonderful, perfect God He is and realize that He is the one whose worth I should focus on. He is my Savior and He is worthy – far more worthy than I can even begin to fathom.

“He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him. And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church. He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, that in everything he might be preeminent. For in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross. And you, who once were alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, he has now reconciled in his body of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him...”

Colossians 1:15-22

Where I'm At

"But the path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, which shines brighter and brighter until full day." - Proverbs 4:18

This is one of my favorite verses. I love the imagery that our walk with God is like the morning sun. It starts off very dim with just a faint bit of light, like when we first understand what Jesus did on the cross and accept Him as our Savior. Then it grows brighter as the sun rises in the sky, just like our faith grows deeper and stronger as we continually pursue Jesus. Finally, the sun reaches its full brightness in the middle of the sky, just as our faith becomes full and complete when we go to heaven and are made perfect.

I can't help but think, though, of those days when there are some clouds. The sun can be shining as bright as ever, and then for just a few moments (sometimes even longer) a cloud or two passes in front of it and makes everything seem a little less bright. Sometimes it's hard to remember that the sun is still shining behind those clouds.

At first, with the ups and downs of my husbands job and a short time of unemployment, it was pretty easy to remember the sun behind the clouds. We just kept reminding each other that God had always been faithful to provide for us in the past and He would do so again in His timing and His ways for His glory. Just recently my husband was blessed with a great job that was even more than we had expected or prayed for, all to God's glory. It was (and still is) amazing to see how God provided for us yet again - just like seeing the sun come out from behind the clouds and shine brightly again.

But now I find myself in yet another trial, and the clouds seem a little thicker this time. After experiencing a few complications with my pregnancy, I was put on strict bed rest and am now confined to my couch 24/7. As fun as that might seem to some, I am finding it extremely difficult. I love my job as a wife and homemaker and it's so disappointing not being able to do anything for my husband or to take care of my house. Having to give up every responsibility from cooking meals to doing laundry to cleaning house is upsetting, as is not being able to go to church or Bible studies or be involved in a ministry. It's been easy to be discouraged and upset and wonder why I'm in this situation. Just the other night when I broke down and was completely discouraged about the situation, my husband reminded me that God always has a reason for the trials He allows in our lives. If I'm going through this trial it's because there's something to learn from it, and I can choose to spend this time being upset about my inability to do the things I want or I can spend it pursuing God more deeply and seek to grow through it.

Although it's easier for me to focus more on the clouds right now, I need to constantly be reminding myself that the sun is still shining behind the clouds. Times may be difficult and upsetting, but I need to hold fast to the truth that God is good and is allowing this trial in my life so that I will grow to become more like Jesus and it's all for God's glory and His purpose. My desire is that I would not allow myself to be consumed by discouragement during this trial, but that I would use this great amount of free time wisely to pursue Jesus Christ and grow in my walk with Him.